Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Been a while....

I have all but forgotten this blog.

This semester has completely overwhelmed me. But I tackled it and have emerged from the other side somewhat victorious. My oldest daughter just turned 10. I am so proud of her. It's odd watching her turn that corner of being a little kid to starting to understand what this world is all about.

Kimber is 7. Her geneticist is pretty sure she has whatever mitochondrial disorder this is that I have. We have discovered, interestingly enough, that my husband's grandfather had Marfan's Syndrome, as does two of his male cousins. She is going to watch Kimber for this sort of possibility, but is more convinced it's mitochondrial in nature.

We have seem some changes, good and bad, over the last several months. I have continued to learn how to live in this spiraled state. There are definitely good and bad days and I have become better at predicting which it will be early in the morning. And while the supplements and physical activity changes have made a difference overall in my downward spiral, I have still had to find coping skills for the daily basis.

School is that forward momentum that I feel like I still have. I just finished 4 classes, have another 4 next semester. I am looking forward to High Acuity RN starting in January. I love the adrenaline from a urgent situation. Note I say urgent because the one true code blue I was a part of, while very successful in saving the life of that child, was when I was very early in nursing and I don't feel as though my performance was par 100%. But, it was my first and I was new, and I am sure every nurse can say that about at least one. Since then they have mostly consisted of emergencies on the verge of being life threatening, as apposed to true life or death. After next semester my BSN will be complete and I will be several classes into the MSN portion. No longer will "online" be an option. I am praying this does not damage my health or abilities, but we will see. I'm sure it will be a little different since I am not working.

My kids don't fully understand the changes that have happened in our home since January 2010. I have stopped working, disability... My husband is now a reserve officer at a distant police department. It's natural for me to think of him as an officer. Even though he went 5 years without a badge, I will always remember him that way. However, 3 of our kids do not remember him as an officer. They were shocked, even a bit nervous when he came out in full uniform, having shaved off his go-tee and cut his long hair back down to the 2 inches that I remember it at. It didn't take long for them to get used to it. My son talks about it all the time now. He wants to have a "giant police car" like his daddy. That feels good.

I am learning a lot about myself. I have spent the better portion of the last 10 years either pregnant or having an infant. Now all of my children are potty-trained, one has ipod buds glued to her ears while reading novels... So now that 3 are in school and I am home alone with my son, I have had some time for soul searching. I was 18 when we got married, 19 when I got pregnant the first time and had a 1 year old before I ever got my driver's license. Like every 18 year old, I thought I knew who I was. Boy was I wrong. It turns out that I knew who I loved, I knew what I wanted to do, and then every year thereafter I devoted to some other cause or soul aside from my own, to the point where my still developing self was lost in translation. But, here I am. Who? Me. Who? I'm not really sure. I'm a mom, I'm a nurse, I'm newly disabled, I'm married and love my husband, but other than that who am I? If God stripped away all of that, who would I be? That is what I am after. I remember who I was, although I never appreciated it then, so who am I now?

Who am I?
My name is Trish. It sounds foreign rolling off of my own tongue. I love the fall and winter, although every year I feel as though it passes me by far to quickly. I miss the ocean so very much. I hate exercising, but I love other physical activities like canoeing, kayaking, bike rides, hiking the waterfalls and other things that I almost lost the ability to do this year. I love fuzzy blankets and socks. When I "feel bad" my muscles get very weak, my eye droops, even my waistline expands because the muscles aren't holding things in properly. But not many people notice, and in some ways I like it that way. I have lost 15 pounds since September (not a lot for some, but great for me). And now I am getting tired, so that means it's bedtime. It's nice to meet me finally and I am looking forward to getting to know me better over the next year. =)

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