Thursday, October 15, 2009


I worked all weekend, a very hard and trying weekend, although full of joy and reward that I helped a family. But in supporting my own family and being a beacon of hope for other families I wore myself down. I'm sure there are better descriptive words, but my creative brain is suffering today.

Sunday I am pretty positive I had a seizure. Although there was no one with me to see or help (which is a bit scary in and of itself). I remember feeling froggy like I am going to pass out, and noises sounding muffled and faded. My eyes started twitching, moving so fast back and forth and my vision faded gray then black. I don't know how long it lasted. I didn't see the clock before it started. But what I remember next is looking at my hand and realizing that I was clenching the phone, I was sure it would have broken if it weren't a phone... My hand had red marks form holding it so tightly. I don't remember in between that and I was a bit foggy and confused for a few minutes, waiting to get my bearings straight so I could get it together.

It was a bad idea to work 3 days in a row. I was sooo tired come Monday morning, but life must move on, right? Kids have school, house has to be cleaned, laundry... Ohhh that darn laundry... I didn't call the doc Monday. I didn't call Tuesday. Not even Wednesday. Maybe I was afraid of her reaction? Be it "this happened at work??" or "why didn't you call me" or "what do you want me to do about it"... And yes I have heard that last one before. The fear of being ridiculed, judged or put off made me fear calling my doctor... Totally not how it is supposed to be and a total attack of the enemy, I know. BUT it is a reality for me. Telling me not to care about someone's opinion is like telling a chef to cook a bad dish. I can't do it.

I finally knuckled up and called the office today. Left a message with her secretary. "She's gonna want to call you back about this and maybe see you..." Really? When? I have to work tomorrow.... Eric is gone today... How am I supposed to get better? God knows my limitations, but do I? Why will He not provide for us so that I can stop pushing myself to the edge, to the point of having seizures? God forgive my impatience and lack of faith. It's hard. It's wearing on me.

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