Sunday, January 3, 2010

Avoiding the New Year

I'm sure every person with a blog decided "I'll make a New Year's blog!" Some probably had resolutions, some probably whined about the worst of 2009 or even highlighted the best of 2009.

Me? Well, I decided to avoid the blog for the first day of the New Year. Well, for several reasons...

1. Life has been tough this year. I don't want to highlight one of the worst years of my life, I would like to simply move forward away from it.
2. These last few weeks have been infinitely worse than the months before it. And as positive as I try to be, I don't feel very positive right now and I didn't want to infect anyone reading with that attitude.
3. I have discovered over the past few weeks that when people ask you "How are you?" Generally they don't mean "How--are--you?" Usually it is a polite way to say "I am acknowledging you are around." Lying is a sin, but if it spares the other party from being forced to listen to a 30 minute description of how I "REALLY" am does that make it ok?

ANd Finally: 4. I am just plain having a hard time going up and down the two stairs to the office computer...
The doctor gave me a prescription for a walker. Do you think I've gone to get it yet? That feels like defeat.

This year has started out with so many more questions than answers that I didn't really feel like emphasizing that on New Years Day.

Walking hurts so much now. Not just hurting, but weak. Every step feels like it takes Charger size horsepower to complete, and then when it is done it ends in hips popping and moving around and knees buckling.

But I do it anyway. I clean house and take care of kids and go places with Eric and then to the office. Eventually it catches up to me. The other day I slept from 1pm to 5pm and then had trouble walking until bedtime. I don't nap. I hate naps. They feel like giving in and being lazy. That day not only did I nap but I was devoid of strength to do anything before or after the nap...

What is strength? Is it the ability to move muscle groups to make a 200 pound frame move six inches forward? Or is it the inner "Grrrrrrr" we get, determination to accomplish everything despite our limitations? God is our ultimate source of strength, so how do we harness it and use it to the best of everything He's given us? WIthout wasting it on useless triffles. Anger is a useless triffle. It requires so much energy and gives back absolutely nothing. I am not angry at the whole picture. I am just praying for relief, sweet relief for just a little while.

I am learning that it is not just about pain. Pain I can deal with. It is so much more than that. Weakness and swelling and I just can't think anymore. How am I supposed to be a nurse getting a Master's Degree if I can't even remember my kids birthdates or what days I am supposed to work or how to work... Ok I'm done for now.

So, my doc did solve one thing for me. She talked to an eye doc for me about the whole 3-D problem in the last post I made. Apparently that is from optic nerve compression. Really? How much more evidence do they need?

1 comment:

  1. I fell asleep the other night in the middle of making a comment I am afraid. I woke up hours later with the laptop churning and half a comment with no thought in my brain as to the rest.

    So instead of that long and laborious answer I write this. Is it possible that they think you may have MS. Its out, really hard to type but I don't want to put the other options available for optic nerve compression. Its hard for you I imagine with your job not just to say - look here I think I have X could you just get on and tell me the truth.

    Although you suffer more than I a lot of the symptoms you describe I have also with the EDS and yet always lurking in the background is a question in my head. Can all this really be attributable (if that is a word) to the EDS. Can you hear my virtual sigh Trish....

    You sound so depressed along with all the physical horrids you are going through I am not at all surprised. I just wish I could make you all better.

    Acceptance is such a tough pill to swallow I find but bit by bit I think I am getting there and in the getting there I find more inner strength to fight on. Really understand that some days are so tough - it would be just fantastic if they were made days of no responsibilities. Turned into by magic days of laughter and no pain.

    Thinking of you Trish, I know in reality I can't change things for you one iota but in this virtual world we can but dream.

    Take care.