Emotional tide running high... This is going to be a LONG post!!

I remember living in the North Carolina and the tides coming in and out. Low tide, High tide... On the coast everything is counting on the tides behaving themselves... About every 12 hours the tides changed high to low to high again... The weather channel and local weather news were always announcing the times for the tide changes. The livelihood of the people depended on the tide changes to catch the right fish, dig up the right size clams, dock the boat, even find the rare bottles and treasures along the marshy beaches...

Sentiment...

These last two days have kept my emotions at high tide... There are ups and downs for reasons. Yesterday I handed my boss my resignation effective 2/26/10 and fought back waves of tears as I watched her read it... We both knew it was coming. Why was I such a wreck if I new it was coming? I thought it would be an easy process. Pack a few personal things off my desk, say good-byes that would really turn into, "I'll talk to you on Facebook...", hand in my badge, my pager, my keys. I can't believe I had keys. For a short time I had an office to myself! But, it took so much longer than I thought...

I know God walked me through this every step of the way. But, there was so much irony yesterday that I couldn't help but chuckle out loud a few times while removing my flair from Scottish Rite Hospital...

Irony #1: March 4th would have been my 5 year anniversary. Hahaha. Sadly ironic that once again I am gone before my 5 year, and I will miss out on my gift and picture with the CEO... What?? Don't judge! They give really nice gifts! Haha.

Irony #2: I called my neurologist on Wednesday to see if I could make an appt before my insurance ran out (runs out tomorrow...) and the receptionist says, "Well, she's back in the country, but she is out of the office for Thursday and Friday." Where's the irony you ask? While I was packing up my desk on the 3rd floor nursing unit, my neurologist was attending Carrol-Kruesen, the conference held by the neurologists at the hospital where I work. So I could not get in to see my doctor while I still had insurance because she was down two flights of stairs from me at a conference held by the physicians I worked with about the very same issues I am having.... That's right folks... Irony... I wanted to go find her and just see what she would say, but I figured that would not be ethical... I won't complain though, the doctors teaching the conference are the best in the nation, and they were presenting many great cases and ideas, so maybe she will come back with the lightbulb burning bright. Not that I will get to see her anytime soon because I am now officially unemployed with no insurance like half of the US.

Irony #3: I am too kind hearted to take all of my ideas and work with me, so I naturally left some things for the next nurse educator. That is what's right for the nursing unit, right? For someone else to build on my ideas, strengths and weaknesses and make it an excellent place for children and nurses alike... Irony? 5 years from now they will be using many of my ideas, creativity and extremely hard work with no credit to me, the very hard work that drove me to this place I am at now of utter exhaustion and weakness.... Ever heard the expression "run yourself into the ground"? Well, I have lived it over and over working at Scottish Rite Hospital.

The very nurses that I trained are taking my place. I was known as the Wound Vac Queen. You see, patients with wound healing trouble would have a vacuum system in place to drain away extra fluid and shift the blood flow toward the wound to speed healing. There was never a wound to big for me to handle, never a wound vac malfunction I couldn't fix. It became an art to me, carving the sponge to fit the wound perfectly, cleaning and draping, knowing the good tissue from the bad. I am not bragging, but it feels so great to have mastered something, and you know you have mastered something when you can improvise to fit any situation.

My favorite area to work in was the Postoperative Spine Unit!!! I loved taking care of the kids/teens after spine surgery. To see them in such pain and know that I am making a difference to ease their pain, worries and boost their self confidence! There is nothing worse to crush a young girls self esteem than a crooked spine, I was a part of giving that girl (or boy) their life back! They were champions at coping and I loved seeing them turn the corner to feeling better! I learned the value of a simple hair-wash, brushing teeth and having clean sheets! Scoliosis fascinates me. How God's perfect design of the spine has natural curves to perfectly balance our frame to walk, breathe, eat. One wrong turn in the genes and that spine can look like a slinky headed down a cliff instead of a gentle wave. It affects everything. Walking, eating, breathing, toileting, self esteem, neurological function. I will miss the spine unit the most!!

Dr. Olney always asks me how I am coping when I come see her. How are my emotions and stress? I tell her that I cope the best way I know how, and she doesn't need to worry. The loss of my hobby, my job, my satisfaction in those moments has won a silver medal for being the hardest to cope with. Why silver? Well, I don't want to talk about gold... haha. But I have learned coping mechanisms like I would teach every child I worked with. I have turned all my crying and negative hurt and defeat into a mission to improve my children's lives ten fold! I want to teach them how to cope, how to deal with physical and emotional pain, how to make the most out of learning, how to make the most out of money, how to live beautifully within their means.

I used to cope by baking! I would bake and bake and bake, sometimes I would eat it, but it wasn't about eating it. Most of it I took to work or gave away. It was about the effort to make something beautiful that was pleasing. I decided that coping mechanism probably isn't good for my tire rim waistline... Haha. So I focused on Nikki and Kimber's room! YAY!!!! Chelsea (sis-n-law) and I had painted the walls a sophisticated and fun and lively deep "pink" that took on hues of burgundy and gold flakes (added those in the paint). I never finished. Seizures, weakness, and she moved, and ran out of paint. It needs one more good coat and the trim by the ceiling done (I am a little on the shrimpy side to do that part...) So, in efforts to calm my emotional tsunami I focused on finishing the rest of the room.I found a beautiful black and white Damask bedding set at Target on clearance and bot 2 for their beds to match!! did away with the bulky bunk bed dresser drawers that were standing in as a dresser and bought someplastic drawer bins and put them in the closet for their clothes, Nikki got the pink tote and Kimber the green. My work friend said she used those all through college for her clothes and my girls loved them! hahaha. So easily amused! I got rolling under the bed organizers for their toys! =) Oh how I love organization! I rearranged stuff animals on the shelves that otherwise are useless because they are so close to the ceiling that my girls can't reach them... No good for books... What can I say, we're renting. I tried very hard once to take those pesky shelves down and quickly discovered they are mounted and attached to the doorframe... Thankfully my husband came to the rescue before they hit me o the head and ripped the door frame off the wall... So, if they must stay, might as well make good use out of them, right? I put up black and white curtains and they have a pink shaggy rug. It's amazing how much space we opened up! I really want to get them a desk and book case, but that is a bit of an investment that will have to wait, as there aren't any plastic tote versions of desks... Hahaha...
The girls loved it, we did it together with some mild pushing on my part when they were close to giving up hope... Even my poor sick little Amy was so excited to pitch in and help however she could! Oh I can't wait for the bed sets to come in so I can post pictures! It's going to be cute and sophisticated! The girls don't know about the blankets yet, so I can't wait to see their faces when they come home from school and see!!! =) My next goal to finish up the room is to 1. get the desk and book case.
2. frame the drumhead signed to the girls from Eric (my husband, their dad) so I can hang it on the wall as a keepsake. Who knows, Eric may be famous someday, regardless, he'll always be their drumming legend! hehehehe
3. Hahahaha Get the paint and finish the top edges of the walls.
4. get the girls a real small flatscreen with built in DVD player to mount on the wall (yeah right!!! hahahahaha I want that in my room! )

Ok, I know this was long, but I am excited and can't wait to actually be able to finish it so that my girls can have a bedroom they will remember when they grow old. One that will bring back warm thoughts and fun times of sleep overs and fairy tales and having dreams come true! Nikki always wanted a pink room! The wall color is similar to the pink on the blanket. Rich and warm. It was a bold move to get this color, I found it on clearance at Home Depot, a "screw-up" color! But, it was worth it! =) Ok, enough bore and rambling to you who are already nodding off while reading! hahaha...

I think I did to much today to their room, I am beat and hurting, but it was worth it!

So what do you think? Other than spending money we don't have on things they really did need (the other drawers were falling apart...) do you think that is acceptable coping mechanisms? hehe