Sunday, April 25, 2010

Forced to learn how to slow down.

I thought I would just say a few things while I am "waiting to feel better"...

It seems that there are times that are worse than others. We all know that. Everyone has them. Otherwise it wouldn't be called the "ups and downs"; "valleys and mountains". God said "This too shall pass". He meant the good and the bad.

So right now (as in the last 2 hours) I am in a very way far down. Let me explain. My ups and downs vary more than a heart in V-Fib... When I'm up I take every advantage of every moment to do things that may or may not need to be done. It's like playing my own childhood game of Red Light-Green Light. The only problem is if I "move during the red light" I am out. Literally. Right now I am out. So, rather than just push it and do it anyway I am going to learn to take the downs for the downs and use "the downtime" hahaha. Clear as mud?

I've subsequently and painfully discovered that if I even try and eat when I am in a "down" that my GI is miserable. Cramps, gas (sorry for the TMI), nausea, vomiting, reflux.... It feels good to be able to pick out that pattern. Before it was like: what happens when???? and I just didn't have a clue! Same thing happens if I try and eat after doing a lot (physically). But on a different plane, if I am studying I NEED to eat. Not just "keep your hands busy" eat, but if I don't my head hurts. Ha. That feels good. One thing down, a million to go.

Discovery: muscle protein shakes for workouts don't help any.
Discovery: energy drinks have a crazy affect, not like energy that people get, wiring type, but normal feelings (until the caffeine crash....) AND I can sit up easier!!
Discovery: I'm a lot more patient when I have eaten and feel tolerable.
Discovery: If I feed the kids closer to bedtime and give them a "quiet time" they don't wake up as much at night.
Discovery: The times Kimber has trouble reading she either hasn't eaten in a long time (like 5 hours) or she has been playing for a while.
Discovery: I love to sing! hehehe. Threw that in there. Never said I was good, but Nikki is!!! I want her to have an album by 16! I love Taylor Swifts voice. Nikki's is similar.
Discovery: Music by itself, smooth, comforting kind like Lifehouse, Taylor Swift, Third Day, Brandon Heath, etc. Make me smile. I feel better.
Discovery: I miss creative writing!
Discovery: I wanna renew vows near a waterfall or rocky ocean cliff, somewhere out of the US! =)
Discovery: All these discoveries make me feel better! =)
Discovery: I want to adopt a special needs baby, maybe even one needing hospice. Maybe more than one. I love them. God knows they need love!! God knows how much I love taking care of them. Hmmmm.

My kidneys and liver are hurting... That's the weirdest feeling to know exactly what is hurting. At the same time. In sync, with my heart beat. Well, at least it's in time with the music I'm listening to. My own internal drums.

A long time ago when I was hurting I would create a dream, I guess like a daydream. A fantasy. It was always where I wanted to be at that moment in time. I could hear the sounds, smell the smells, and feel the warm sun on my face. Usually it was near a beach, on a dock, or in a jungle near a waterfall. Colors were always so vivid.
Lately I think of places with character. Old tiny towns with history, somewhere near the mountains or foot hills. Fall is my favorite season. Golden hues, crisp mornings, bundling, leaves blowing red and orange. Horse back up the hill, around the bend, near the water, jump the fallen logs. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to do that again.

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