Friday, February 25, 2011

Little White Fib never hurt Nobody...

Ha. Well, technically it's not a fib per say, more like an exclusion of the truth in its entirety... The doctor was in hurry the other day at my appt... Usually when I come in it's a 2 hour visit... I didn't want to do that to her. I knew I was looking better since I've lost some weight and walking is much easier when I have enough energy... She was happy to see me doing better. But I keep getting this little twinge that I misrepresented how I am really feeling. God knows that I don't need her thinking I am "all better" because I am far from that. The last two days have been a glimmer of reality creeping back in on just how unwell I still am. So I am going to lay it down how I see it...

I was working. Working and taking care of 4 kids and our house and school and then extra working on top of that working and then kids homework... You get the picture. Eventually it all caught up to me, and I became a hot mess... Well, not so hot in a pretty way, because I was not a pretty sight... All symptoms all the time with no breaks...

Then I stopped working... Slowly but surely with the supplements and praying and not driving my body into a brick wall every five minutes, my symptoms got a little better. I still hurt. I still puked. I still couldn't see right, but at least I could walk while I was doing it... My symptoms were kind of back to like they were in the beginning, mostly after over doing it, mostly at night, and tolerable...mostly...

So that is what my doctor knows. That given that I remain within my "limits", I can function.

Here's the truth, all exclusive, the last 2 weeks giving me a reality check...
I am not all better. Losing weight has done nothing to help my pain, has done nothing for my muscle weakness, and having battled so hard to accomplish this weight loss is actually putting me backwards.
Today, while driving down the tollway at 70 mph, my right arm went "heavy" and my right eye droopy and my head starting hurting. Anyone else would be off to the ER, but this has happened plenty enough, and I know it is just my lack of energy screwing with me... Today the pain was full force, not letting up, relentless, with the creepy crawly feelings and nausea and confusion. Today was bad. I can't think. Today was reality. I am pushing myself 100% just like when I was working, and now I am falling back in that same muddy hole that I spent a year trying to dig my body out of.

Reality is: it's there. It's not going away no matter how much weight I lose or how much I lie to myself, my family or my doctor. I hurt. I can't see, I can't think, I can't half get a thought out when I am trying to talk most of the time without screwing it up. My muscles feel like jello at some point every single day, and are useless when I decide that I can take on the world.

She asked me if I was ready to try the work thing again... Really? I can't even exercise for an hour a day without paying a steep price for it later. How in the world am I supposed to do a full on 12 hour shift (which is really 13-14 hours) of walking, lifting, moving, stressed, no nutrition, and little sleep??

So now I feel as though I have led her to the wrong impression, to one that is not my reality because I did not want to take up to much of her time like usual. Way to go me. Pat myself on the back, good job being a complete moron.

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