Friday, March 18, 2011

Roller-coaster with no end...

I know my blog lately has been all about my feelings and nothing like how I wanted it to be, but sometimes I feel as if this is my only outlet aside from talking to God. And sometimes I feel like I can do my best talking to God right here because I can't even think right to tell Him what I am going through. Then I feel ashamed. God knows what I am going through, why do I tell Him? Shouldn't I be stronger and awaiting His relief patiently? But I am not strong right now. As much as I want some one to understand that, I have come to realize that there are not many people who love me that do understand that, and if they do understand it, it is because they themselves are walking in the same muddy path alongside me and they have the same amount to give as I do. How dare I ask them to listen? And what good will listening to me do when they are powerless to help me?

I feel so weary. Tired. Not sleepy tired. But just fatigued, worn out, in need of rest that just never comes. Rest? Like time away from kids and household and school? No. Even time away from all of that will not take away the constant plague of symptoms that I have. Then I feel guilty. There are others so much worse off than I am. I have been blessed in that I can walk. I can eat, I can breathe, I can do so much. How dare I feel this way? Is it wrong to be weary? Is it wrong to plead for answers?

I feel as though I am constantly having to defend myself, against people and hurtful things they say, against myself and my own self loathing, and against these stupid symptoms that make me feel every day like I may just be crazy.

I hate roller coasters that just go up and down and up and down with no end in sight. If I am going on a ride, it better have twists and turns and end with me still intact. I do not feel like I am still intact. I am taking a beating and I have hit the floor. The ref is counting to 10. I know I will get back up again, but when? And when I do, will I still be able to fight?

Where do I go from here? I can keep walking everyday, pretending that I am ok, never really having someone to understand. I have been there many times. I know how it is, how lonely it is, how much hurt gets bottled up until I accidentally blow and someone I love gets hurt for no good reason. Except the reason that I have nothing left to give. I am so very weary and everyone around me is suffering for it. I would rather suffer in silence than hurt someone I love. God please tell me there is an end in sight? or at least show me how to get back to being me with modifications.

Today was a terrible day and I will bottle it all up and package it and set it aside just like all the rest.


  1. Don't be so hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember. Bottling up frustration doesn't help. I don't have the answer either. My EDS is just dire at the moment and I feel about as useless as a person can feel. But if I have learnt anything I have learnt that no one is perfect. When the children were young, sometimes I would say I'm so sorry I am such an old grumpy its just I get short tempered when I am in pain but it doesn't mean I don't love you.

    Not so good with grown ups though. I replied to my mother in law today I'm fine thank you when she asked how I was. She has cancer so in comparison, what am I to say.

    Suffering in silence just puts off the inevitable blow out. Don't forget the be kind to yourself thing. It helps.

  2. Thanks. You are always such an encouragement to me. Even when you feel like poop. Wanna see something that is almost guaranteed to make you laugh? Watch Despicable Me. It is insane how I can sometimes relate to the grumpiness of Gru. hahaha. Anyway, I needed to hear the "be kind to yourself" thing. I have a hard time with that because I constantly feel like I should be able to be better, that people expect that of me because I have a track record of success and now I am gaining a track record of "I don't know if she can handle it..." Ugh. =) I will try and smile anyway.