Sunday, October 25, 2009

What now?

I know God does things in His time and for a purpose. I know the same is with this time. I have a lot of decisions to make. I would ask God to make them for me, but I don't think that is how He works, so I will ask for His guidance instead.

My brain is not working right. I feel different. Wrong. Disconnected. Confused. Out of place. Slow. Forgetful. Lost. Overloaded. Nauseated. Headache. Nerve Pain. Heavy. Sensory Overload. Pain. Can't think.

I can't handle the kids being their "usual selves". I can't write my paper. I can't think. My head feels full. Like it's stuffed with styrofoam. And I feel horrible that I can't do and be what I need to in order to support my family and life as usual.

Quitting school would mean another semester wasted, scholarships and grants to pay back, but I can't get it done because I can't think on the level needed to earn a master's degree....... ARGG!!!!!! AHHH!!!!

Can't quit work. That would mean no insurance. That would mean Eric having to find a job to support us, and having to quit everything he's worked so hard for. That would mean letting down a lot of people. It would mean kids can't get clothes for winter and bills go unpaid. It would mean resentment and tension that I couldn't live through.

FMLA would insure my insurance for 12 weeks and me off for 12 weeks, could use holidays and vacation for about 3 weeks of it, but that's it. And if the 12 weeks were over and I needed surgery, there would be no more time off or pay to help with that.

God help. You know what I am needing. I don't. And I don't know how much more "advice" I can take from others who simply don't understand. And I don't know if I have what it takes to make it through big changes. Help me please.


  1. I am obviously not God. I do have EDS so understand a little. Finding yourself in this situation - the only thing I think is that you sound completely stressed out and on the verge of burn out. This is not advice as its not my place. So I can only think of small things to try to ease your troubled mind and body. Candles, decent bath oils and long baths. 'You' time fitted into your hectic schedule. Giving yourself 'down' time each day to empty your mind - visualisation techniques can help. small things I know in the grand scheme of what at the present times seems unachievable but sometimes breaking big stuff into smaller achievable tasks make them seem less daunting! The kids know you love them - wrap up warm with hugs and a dvd with them and laugh. Its a great stress buster.
    If you can't quit as you say if you are ill it is allowed and the world will not fall apart if you take a week out - other people do and they don't even have EDS. Next time the words 'I can't' pop into your head try replacing them with I can but I need help. You cannot be all things to all men and its no good trying to be perfect it will just make you sick. Don't beat yourself up - talk to Eric and discuss ways to stop putting yourself last on the list - I don't know much about God but my guess is he would want you to have all these responsibilities and burdens shared out a little more. Take care and i know you didn't want advice so have tried not to sound bossy but had to write something to offer my support - my heart goes out to you.

  2. I will pray that God give you a sign ~ a big sign ~ so that you know in your heart what's the next step to take. You will know ~ when I was looking for signs and so wanted someone else to make the hard decisions for me I kept thinking of Kevin Costner in the corn field in Field of Dreams ~ be ready for it ~ He will answer your cry. Hang in there ~ hugs ~ lace

  3. I think when people love you they want to fix things, and not knowing how, ramble on with words in search of the right ones...sorry for all the advice you've had to endure from those who have good intentions and only make you feel worse. Love and prayers are with you and Eric and the kids! Love all of you!