Sunday, May 16, 2010

I love them...but...

Tonight finds me with a great amount of frustration with my kiddos. Their petty arguments and bickering over pieces of paper and imaginary lines of personal space are pushing me closer to insanity! Luckily it is close to bedtime. I love them, but right now I want them to get along and agree to disagree... It seems this is an impossible feat for kids between 3 and 9 years old... I am feeling desperate for the solace that comes with 8 pm, but am afraid that by the time it comes around the corner I will be out of energy to enjoy it...

But that is only a pinch of what I am feeling overall. I know anyone who reads this is tired probably of hearing the same old things from me every time they read... Trust me, I get tired of writing them... But without this outlet there wouldn't be an outlet for me and I would implode like a black hole from the ache in my heart... I want my life back. I want to enjoy things that I used to enjoy! When I was 7 months pregnant with my first daughter my husband and I hiked through the mountains, climbing terrain, trekking around the waterfalls... I miss that so much. Even when I was first "big" I enjoyed jumping on the trampoline with the kids. I am tired of feeling like this. I don't feel like me. I want to feel like me again. How is it that I could walk 8 miles a day when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my 3 year old son, but somehow I can't do it now? I am so very frustrated with being "sick" I just want to feel like a woman again, one who can run and jump and live life to the fullest! I miss volleyball and tennis and swimming and feeling like me. Sometimes when I walk by the mirror I do a double take... Who is that person? With a swollen round face, flat lifeless hair, dull eyes that lack the sparks they used to have... I feel like a piece of silver that needs an amazing polishing. Where did "ME" go? And who is this tired, frustrated, huge painful thing that has taken over my body??

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